So this is probably going to be the most transparent blog post I’ve ever written. I’m liable to burst into tears at any moment while writing this. But I feel the need to share my story so that someone else can know that they are not alone in what they are going through currently. Anyways, 2016 has literally been the year of no/rejection/heartache for me.
It’s hard to even pinpoint when everything started going badly but it did. Everything started hitting the fan all at once. My long-time boyfriend and I broke up officially after months of trying to “fix” our issues, I was rejected from every Ph.D. I applied for (not to mention I have/had no back up plan as to what I would do if I didn’t get in), was rejected from an honor society I had worked my entire Hampton U career to be able to get in with no explanation, was offered a Post-Bacc program only for it to be given to my friend (i.e another rejection from my own mentor), didn’t win the Rhodes Scholarship, rejected from the Marshall Scholarship, and last but least acquiring trust issues with people I thought would be with me on the long ride of life. It was like trying to hold sand in my hands with open fingers, everything was slipping through the cracks and it seemed like I just could not catch it.
Now, putting this into some context last year was apparently the year of opportunity because literally I was being offered internships and opportunities left and right. So to go from that to getting rejected to literally everything I touch hurts, badly. I had already declared that 2016 was going to be my “year of yes”, but how can it be the “year of yes” if I am being told no, every single time I turn around. It’s hard and so is life.
I’m not saying that after being rejected, a few day laters I was all good. That was not the case at all, I was/am a wreck. As a Certified Type A person, not having a plan is so terrifying and life-altering, especially since I planned on getting accepted into Grad school and worked hard to keep everything in my life afloat, just for it all to sink in front of me. For weeks, nothing seemed to go right. Even when good things around me were happening, I still felt like “dang, Tanesha you still don’t have a plan. What are you going to do with your life?” And as much as I want to say it hasn’t taken a toll on me, I would be lying. I feel like my life is essentially in shambles. Defeat, after hit, after hit. And if I’m being honest, I’m not sure when it will go away.
I just knew I was going to get into a Ph.D. program, with a great stipend and all expenses paid, and get an awesome apartment and live a great life with my yorkie, Nehemiah, and be great post Undergrad. But that’s not happening for me, and that’s okay. I know that I did everything I could’ve done possibly in undergrad to get accepted into school and romantic & nonromantic relationships sometimes just end or change for no real reason. Rejection happens. Life will knock you on your behind and humble you.
But as much as right now hurts me, I know that God is preparing me for something better in the future. A Hampton Alum posted this bible verse the other day and it really hit me, it said: “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” Proverbs 16:9.
So right now, I have no post-Hampton University plans for my adult life (I have a summer job that ends in August), and that too is okay. I am reminded that I am the daughter of the most high King and He will not put more on me than I can bear.
I am sharing this partially so that people can stop asking me about my post-Hampton University plans, but mostly because I am sure there are others people out there like myself going through the same issues. I am here to tell you, eventually, this is going to get better (I can’t tell you exactly when, but prayerfully soon). So I urge you to take a step back, breath, consider all the great things you have done throughout your life (sort of like a reverse bucket list), enjoy life as much as you can and speak positivity over your future. You can never get back these days spent wallowing in sadness and self-pity. I’m not saying that you can’t be sad, but try your hardest to be positive (as my momma says, “Positive in, Positive out.”).
You can handle this. Stay Encouraged.
– Tanesha Renae