Disclaimer: This article is not to condemn anyone’s sexual habits. It is also not intended to force my views and beliefs on others. I just want to share my thoughts and experiences on the matter.
These days, sexual freedom is being embraced more than ever. People can talk more freely about it, there is less shame associated with having sex and we’ve finally gotten over using weird terminology to disguise words related to sex. However, the idea of a virgin is laughed off, people either don’t believe in the existence or conclude the person in question must have something seriously wrong with them to have waited this long. Recently, Russel Wilson (quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks) got very real about how in his relationship with gorgeous pop star Ciara, they have decided to abstain from sex. He stated beautifully ““Yeah, we’re talking about sex… Can we love each other without [sex]? If you can really love someone without [sex] then you can really love somebody… I ain’t gonna lie to y’all now. I need y’all to pray for us…Pray for me, keep my mind clear, keep my heart clear.” The backlash and jokes didn’t surprise me, but they started to make me feel like I had some things to share because I am still a virgin and also abstain from sex.
I can honestly say that I have no problems or objects with the trend of sexual freedom that we see today. Just because I’m saving my first time until my wedding night doesn’t mean that I look down my nose at the sexual habits of others or condemn my friends to hell. Personally, I think that with sexual freedom and people caring less about who’s doing what with whom for whatever reasons, we can get rid of all of the terrible slut-shaming and bullying that has plagued girls for years. If you wish to have sex, do it freely, (but also do it smartly). But the same way girls are demanding to be respected for their sexual choices, I would like to be respected for my choices to abstain from sex. As a virgin in 2015, people often speculate about what I am, or am not doing, because they just see it as “impossible” that I choose to ignore and control my responses to my hormones loud demands. I don’t appreciate being stripped down to a simple sexual being. I enjoy practicing self-control in my relationships, and I feel that what I do with my private lady parts should be not for anyone’s’ discussion or speculation. Being targeted for jokes or made uncomfortable because of my virginity has been a part of my life since reaching puberty and frankly I’m sick of it. Sexual freedom should apply to all: the virgins and the veterans.
Now, I do have a boyfriend who is also a virgin and has promised to save himself for marriage as well. And what’s it like for us to stay pure? Temptations are wild and very real. And temptation coupled with curiosity and hormones make it a daily struggle to keep our hands where they belong. But, I truly believe that it will be rewarding. The bond that we have formed completely transcends sexual attraction. Every time we work together to help ourselves resist temptation and spend yet another night simply in each other’s arms talking about life, it’s like reaching a new level in our relationship. And it feels amazing. I think being open with each other, expressing our expectations clearly communicating limitations are what keeps us grounded and sticking to our promise.
To be honest, I’m happy to have reached a place where I can care less about what people think of my sexual habits (or lack thereof lol). There’s honestly nothing you can do or say to convince me that I NEED to have sex without a diamond ring on my finger and the commitment of a lifetime with my husband. While being a virgin may be looked down upon, or you may not even believe that I chose to remain pure, I am happy for the decisions I make. I see my virginity as something that shouldn’t be “given away” but instead, something that should be shared in the most special way possible. There’s no rush to “get rid of” my virginity because, to me, it’s not some curse I was burdened with. It’s a gift and a special power that I hold within me. Just think of the “pussy power” (excuse the language) that women hold. Whole wars were fought over pussy, so to speak; so don’t ever let someone convince you that you “owe” your virginity to them. No matter how much time or money someone spends on you, it does not require you to return with a sexual favor. As cliché as it sounds, the right person for you, who will treasure and value the gift of your virginity, will not be solely interested in you for your body and will not use sex as a bartering tool.
This part is written to the virgins that may or may not still be out there reading this, or to those who have decided to become celibate (saving sex until marriage although you may have already lost your virginity). The best way to combat the temptations, gossip, questions, teasing and other challenges that come along is to remember exactly why you’re doing what you’re doing, because in a moment of heat, all logical thinking and reasoning can fly out of the window. If you have to, write down your reasoning, expectations and stipulations in a place where you could easily find or look often. When the temptations, gossip, teasing, questions and other challenges come, you will be able to read the notes that you wrote to yourself and maybe renew your strengths. Like most other things in life, you’re the only one who can decide what is right for you. So if you’re deciding to not have sex, then stand firm in your decision.
– Aliah W.