Things I Learned In My Post-Bacc Experience

101.jpgHello Wonderful People! Happy Wednesday! By the time this blog post goes up, my post-bacc experience will be completely over. The actual program ended in April, but I have been working part-time as a research assistant with my advisor – so it doesn’t really feel like it’s ended! Let me start this blog post by stating that the Hot Metal Bridge Program at the University of Pittsburgh is AMAZING. I can personally speak for the psychology section of the program and this program has really been life changing. It allowed me to get a “taste” to be immersed into a graduate school program – I was considered a first year graduate student.  This program taught me alot about psychology and graduate school, but most importantly this program taught me alot about myself. I will forever be grateful.

  1. The first thing I learned was the importance of time management.  Within a graduate school program, at least for psychology, the amount of time that is structured is very slim outside of your classes. You have to decide when and how you will do your research, assistantship obligations, etc. For me, this was a hard adjustment at first. I have always been a scheduler/calendar person – but it took me until the second or third week to fully understand that I basically am going to have to make my own schedule. Once I got into a system with doing that, it was much easier. But I had to get used to no one breathing down my neck  not having to check in with my advisor every second of the day or having someone telling me what I need to be doing or where I need to be.
  2. I also learned that I need a social circle/community (not saying that my social circle was bad at Pitt). As I am about to transition into a clinical psychology Ph.D. program, I recognized that I am going to have to be more intentional about building my friend group and community once I move to STL. There are times in Pittsburgh, where I felt very isolated and alone (not the fault of my cohort). It’s something about being the only Black girl in the entire 1st-year cohort that really messed with my head, so I am going to have to be more intentional about creating these spaces for myself. This way I don’t have to call/facetime my parents 50 times a day when I need to vent.
  3. Additionally, I learned that graduate school is going to be tough. Applying to graduate school was super rough, but my being persistent and steadfast is what really carried me through. This is a journey or a marathon BUT not a sprint. I am going to have to remind myself to pace myself. I won’t be able to get to the finish line without taking proper care of myself in all ways. During this first year, I am going to try to schedule in self-care more, so even when things are getting hectic I will be able to handle it.
  4. It is okay to outgrow and grow into people and places. Moving 7 hours from home and my social support system has really taught me that some of the people I considered close where only close because we lived near each other. And while it hurts, sometimes i just think that we outgrow people and places. Instead of framing it as a loss, I am trying to frame it as there are spaces opening up in my life for new, exciting people and places.
  5. I’ve learned really what it means when people say, “its okay not to be okay.” I really don’t have to have it all together all the time. Even though I really want to have it all together. I don’t want to come off as I am living this perfect life – because I am not. There have been tough times and I have spent months not being okay – but also not feeling up to admitting to people mentoring me that I wasn’t okay. Thus making me suffer in silence. I am trying to be as transparent as possible with my social media, but it still feels like a highlight reel. I am working on it though and allowing people to be there for me.

Have you learned anything about yourself in the last six months?? Share below!

XOXO, Tanesha

Advertisements

Happy Half Birthday to Me: Fun Facts, Confessions and Lessons

Happy Half Birthday to ME!!!!!

plan the perfect (1)

Half inspired, half challenged by Courtney Saunders of Passionate Woman Blog‘s Post about being 25 and Winging It. This post will include fun facts, confessions, and lessons thus far.

Fun Facts

  1. I am a HUGE ANIME FAN. I feel like anime is becoming trendy, but I have been watching since I was in middle school (2006 to be exact). I started with the basics Naruto and DBZ, and I just fell in love. I don’t know what it is about anime – maybe it’s the reading of subtitles, the animation, the stories, or something. But I will always be a huge fan.
  2. Black is my FAVORITE color. I don’t know why I’ve just always loved it, black is just pure to me. It is also the color I wear the most of.
  3. I am a huge animal lover! I wanted to be a vet when I was younger (pre-my lawyer phase). My dad kinda ruined that dream by telling me I had to stick my hand up a cow’s butt when I went to Vet School.
  4. I am OBSESSED with my dog, Nehemiah. He has made the transition to living alone sooo much easier because without him I would never leave my apartment.
  5. I loveeeee flowers. Especially lilies. I believe it is because my dad always buys them for me, so I associate them with love.
  6. I love to watch weddings shows, wedding videos, engagement videos – honestly anything where people are in love. It brings such joy to my heart. It’s funny because I currently don’t want a huge wedding ceremony, just a reception with my closest friends.
  7. I cry at everything! Happy, Sad – it doesn’t matter. I am such a crier. Which is super ironic because if you ask my parents as a baby – I NEVER CRIED. I guess I am making up for lost time?
  8. I love the beach/lakes/ocean. The ocean/the beach makes me so happy and calm. Whenever I felt anxious or overwhelmed in college, I would go to the beach. Maybe because I was born on an island (Guam).
  9. I love to read, but not really non-fiction/self-help. I think it’s because I use books as a way to escape/live a different reality. I do think there is a great value to self-help and non-fiction books, just for some reason I am not into them. (If you are on good reads/interested in what I am reading – follow me here)
  10. I loveeee playing games on my phone – however, if a kid asks me I will always say no. Idk why but currently I have 19 game apps on my phone. A gamer at heart?
  11. My brother is probably my favorite person in the entire world, probably more than my parents. He can never do any wrong to me. We even got matching tattoos!
10325681_10204676438949257_7104118441854241485_n

Ancient Greek: φιλία, often translated as “brotherly/sisterly love.” | matching tattoos with my brother, cause no matter what we got each other.

Confessions

  1. #MeToo. If I say no, that doesn’t mean convince/coerce me. Listen the first time.
  2. I battle with imposter syndrome and severe anxiety DAILY. I am working on it. I am working on it by putting myself into more uncomfortable And working on my confidence especially when it comes to school. I know that my research and my academic perspective is necessary.
  3. I honestly feel every emotion super deeply. I’m not sure why but I do. And I also take on other people’s experiences and emotions and experience them myself. It’s hard but a gift.
  4. I am generally the person that everyone goes to with their problems, however, I have a hard time trusting people with my problems.
  5. I worry A LOT about being a Black woman whose professional life is BOMB but whose personal life is lacking. I feel like most people want me to focus solely on my professional life and graduate school, but my personal life is equally (if not more) important to me. I struggle with trying to balance both of these circles.
  6. I love blogging and vlogging – but sometimes I worry that my content isn’t that exciting or engaging enough to keep folks interested in what I have to say or produce (on YouTube).

keyboard-338505_1920

Lessons

  1. It is okay not to be okay. I have learned this really within the past year or so. With the passing of my dearest friend last year, losing my uncle a few days ago, dealing with a lot of rejections for graduate school, insecurities – I have been dealing with a lot lately. And honestly, I have been trying to hold it all together, but I can’t. It’s unhealthy for me to try to hold everything in. BUT I have found solace in confiding in the very few people I trust.
  2. Experiencing multiple emotions at one time is absolutely normal and you are not going crazy.
  3. Closure, for me, is such a blessing and a curse. A blessing when it closes a chapter nicely, however more often than not has been a curse and made me feel worse than not knowing.
  4. As much as I believe that I need to be superwoman, I cannot save everyone or do everything at once. It is okay if the only person I save is myself.
  5. I am learning that my worth is not dependent on ANYBODY’s ability or disability to see or acknowledge it.
  6. Change is inevitable, and the quicker you can learn to adapt or roll with the changes the better it will be.
  7. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. If you know me, you know I am such a planner and type A – but I am learning to just let go of my strict plans and remain strict about my goals.
  8. (BONUS) I am learning how to say no (and you should too!). For years I thought that saying no implied that I didn’t like someone or was trying to be confrontational. However sometimes, saying no is the kindest thing you can do for yourself or someone else.

Challenge: Do you have any Fun Facts, Confession, Lesson you’d like to share? JOIN THE CHALLENGE – OR share below 🙂

I challenge Samantha of Melanin Project Blog and Khari of Twelve-Eight

Best,

-Tanesha Renae

SoapBox: Don’t Take It Personally.

Dealing With A Loss-2

People sometimes suck. Being the kind-hearted person I am, I am always expecting people to treat me the way I treat them. But that’s not always the case. People will hurt you, slander your name and not even think twice about it. Which is so strange to me because in school growing up we were always taught – “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

But maybe that’s how they pull it off – the people who treat you poorly, never expect to be treated badly or are ever actually treated badly. When people don’t treat you with the same decency, respect or kindness that you have shown them, you could get super angry, irritated and upset. OR you could not take it personally. The way people treat others has everything to do with them, and hardly anything to do with the people receiving the actions. For example, if my friend Sally treats me terribly, that says more about Sally than it does about me – especially if I know that I’ve continually treated her kindly or with respect.

At least that’s how I look at it. So continue to treat people kindly and with love – it’s honestly the only way to live with a clear conscious and also it just feels better. 🙂

Love you all bunches,

– Tanesha J.

 

 

Valentine’s Day Impromptu Date Ideas

Happy Valentine’s Day

Some folks go out with their girls to dinner and movie (like a date with their girls), while others sit in the house and sulk. Honestly, my friends all live in different states and sitting in the house and sulking doesn’t sound appealing either. So what am I to do? I decided to come up with some impromptu “date ideas”! These are great ideas for you go out with your significant other, your girls, or even go out solo!

  1. Have an intense workout session.
  2. Go to a museum or an art gallery
  3. Buy Yourself some flowers or pick some!
  4. Get up early, make breakfast, and enjoy the quiet morning.
  5. Write yourself a love letter
  6. Send your girls a heartfelt text message (or call) about how much you love them.
  7. Go out to dinner (I love good food!!)
  8. Take a long walk in your favorite park
  9. Go to the library or Barnes & nobles to read for a while (I guarantee it won’t be crowded!)
  10. Get a mani/pedi – or even give yourself one at home!
  11. Go see that movie you’ve been waiting to see!
  12. Have a “Night In” – eat junk food and watch a movie marathon!

Don’t be forced to stay home on this day full of love – Enjoy the love you have received over the years and give some love away (maybe a random act of kindness?)

XOXO,

– Tanesha

 

Things I Learned in 2016 That I Am Bringing Into My 2017

It has been about 7 or 8 days into 2017 (at least when I am writing this) and everyone around me has been either saying “new year, new me – I am overhauling my life to make more positive changes and resolutions” or the more self-righteous “I don’t need New Years to recreate myself – I do that every week.” I am somewhat in the middle. This new year, I am super excited about the upcoming possibilities and opportunities that are coming my way. However, I didn’t get there by happenstance – without 2016 there wouldn’t be this chance for 2017.

So here are some of the lessons that I learned in 2016, that I am definitely taking with me into 2017.

  1. It is absolutely OK to not be OK. You are under no circumstances required to be OK all the time. There are days when you are going to be unhappy, distraught, stressed out, worried, etc – and that’s okay. Life is not roses and daisies all the time and that is okay. Honestly, think about this, if life was everything you wanted it to be, you wouldn’t be satisfied nor have an appreciation for all the good that is going on. You gotta take the good with the bad. Balance.
  2. Positive in, Positive Out. You must speak life and positivity over your future and your life. My mother and my friend are always saying you must visual your success and have positive thoughts about your future. Otherwise, it won’t happen. You have to have confidence that the things you desire, the love you want, the job/career you want, all of those things and more will come to you.
  3. Planning is great, but God’s plan is perfect. I am a planner by nature, I like to know what’s going to happen, when it is going to happen, why it is happening – everything. But God does not work like that at all. Not because He is going to harm us, rather because he has plans to prosper us in the future (my paraphrase from Jeremiah 29:11). Furthermore, God’s plan is perfect, absolutely perfect (so perfect we cannot even comprehend). There is nothing in the perfect plan of God, that is not meant for your good. There was a quote by Lisa Bever – she stated, “If you think that you have blown God’s for your life, rest in this: You, my beautiful friend, are not that strong.”
  4. Time heals all wounds, even the ones that hurt the most. Both physical and mental wounds are the same in some sense. First, you get hurt and then you got to put a bandage over the wound to not infect it anymore but also to give your body time to do what it is designed to do heal. Even for mental and emotional wounds, you have to put a bandage on it and give it time to heal. Invest your time into healing yourself. You cannot rush healing my friend, you have to go through all the pain, suffering and once you experience all that you will be allowed to heal.
  5. You deserve to be treated well. People’s actions are not a reflection of you, but rather of you. You don’t have to be a savage, specially in the “world of being a savage.” It is okay to treat others better than they treat you. There are not enough kind-hearted people in the world. But with this, do not be mistaken – I am not saying put up with everyone’s crap. I’m saying treat people kindly, but be sure to take care of yourself.

With all that being said, I hope that 2017 brings you everything that you need to be the best version of yourself.

I love you bunches.

XOXO,

– Tanesha J.

10 STANDOUT IDEAS from 2016 (thus far)

I feel like 2016 has been the year of learning for me. I am forever reflecting on this year and what things I could’ve done better, what things were good. I think self-reflection is one of the most beneficial things a person can do, because change has to come from within. People can tell you all they want about the things you do wrong, or the things you are doing correctly – BUT until you recognize it yourself, you probably won’t make longterm changes. So here are some of the main things that I’ve learned and that I plan on keeping with me for the rest of my post-undergraduate life.

  • Dream HUGE, and don’t limit yourself, even if other people try to. You are the creator of your destiny, and absolutely nothing is out of your reach, unless you put it there.
  • Being Sure of yourself is a process, it takes practice. And by practice I mean every single day, looking yourself in the mirror and saying “You got this girl!”  You must be sure of yourself, because if you aren’t – who else will?
  • Trust God and his path for you, he will never lead you wrong. Romans 8:28 in the Bible says: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
  • People only take from you what they know you will give them. This goes hand in hand with the saying, “people will only treat you how you allow them to.” (Thanks mom!) Folks are probably walking all over you and treating you the way they are because you are allowing them to by not standing up for yourself or correcting their behavior. Only you can change it tho.
  • SAY NO: with conviction. Stop doing things you don’t want to do and things that make you unhappy. Life is literally too short for you to do anything you don’t want to do. Say no, and leave it alone. You don’t have to explain yourself to ANYONE.
  • Friendships are reciprocal, and not everyone is your friend. If I’m being honest, I’m still learning this. But you shouldn’t be the one always reaching out, and always planning. You should be getting out of the friendship, the same things you’re putting in.
  • Plan early in your relationships, especially with marriage. Honestly ask yourself (and your significant other) what your intentions and expectations are up front. There’s no point of your intentions to seriously date, and your significant others intention’s are to casually date around. I believe that preparation is the key to success and that it should be applied to your relationships as well.
  • Explore the world – take in every opportunity, even opportunities you don’t think you will gain from. I think you should take advantage of every single opportunity and open door that comes your way, because you may gain skills that you wouldn’t have before. Also you could learn what type of career you don’t want to have.
  • The difference between you and someone else is what you are willing to sacrifice. I think there is something profound about being the person to go above and beyond the normative path. You should be able and willing to sacrifice for your goals. Sacrifice is temporary but the reward and feelings of accomplishing your goals are forever.
  • You can have it all, as long as God says the same. Galatians 1:10 says “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant!”As long as you are focused on living your life as an offering to God, everything will work out the way it is supposed because God favor’s His Children.

What are some of your stand out ideas from 2016? Share below in the comments!

XOXO

– Tanesha

My Season of Patience and Learning

About four months ago, I wrote about my “season of rejection,” since then honestly, nothing has really changed – Things are starting to slowly look up, just not in the way I had imagined my life being (which I will talk about a little later in this post). I’m still feeling some of the same things that I felt back then, however, my mindset has changed completely. About a month or two ago, I feel like God told me to stop wallowing and embrace this moment.

Instead of the season of rejection, I am renaming this time in my life as my season of patience and learning. I am going to be really transparent here: it was so hard to change my mindset. Every day, I am reminded that God is still good and He provides. So no matter how I feel that day, or how much I want to give up – it is all going to end up the way it is supposed to.

I have learned quite a few things while in the midst of this period of my time. So here are the top ones.

  1. You are still going to have bad days, even with this new mindset. You are not a robot where you can just turn on and off when you are going to feel stressed. As this season of transition and change is happening in your life – it is going to be uncomfortable. It’s not going to be the rainbows and giggles that you imagine.
  2. Patience builds endurance. I like to think of patience like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the strong it becomes. No matter how many tears you shed, no matter how badly you think it is – keep going. Give it one day of sadness and then move on to the next day with a refreshed attitude. The more you practice not holding on to the sadness, hurt feelings, and disappointments, the easier it will be.
  3. Life is what you make it, not what you have planed. Have you ever heard that saying that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react. You are going to have to choose to react differently to certain situations. Instead of getting upset that XYZ opportunity did not happen for you, use that as motivation to apply to more opportunities that even better. Don’t limit yourself to what you think is in your skillset, go beyond it.
  4. Do more of what you love to keep busy. So life is not working out how you think it should, so what? Your life will eventually get the way it is supposed to be. So for me, I suddenly had an OBNOXIOUS amount of free time (which those of you who really know, know I hate). I started filling my time with working out, reading the Bible and doing daily devotional, catching up on random shows I forgot about, studying to retake the GRE, applying to jobs, looking up grad schools and programs and whatever else I can think of. I think keeping busy really helps me not “wallow” because I have stuff to do.

Life is still hard, but I am determined to make the last few months of 2016 – positive and happy ones.

Be blessed,

– Tanesha Renae

Thank Your Ex-Boyfriend.

Sometimes you just have to thank your ex-boyfriend.

A few Sundays ago my father’s sermon was titled, “Enough is Enough” from Mark 5:25-34. The part of his sermon that stuck out the most to me is this story. It was about a girl who had grown so much in her life. The short version of the story was this young lady had the minister come over to bless her new home. While there, the minister saw a picture of a man on her table. The minister asked the woman was this man her friend, cousin or brother but she quickly explained to him that he was her ex-boyfriend. I kid you not all of us women in the church was like “oh no! Warning! Unhealthy! She must be crazy!”

My dad laughs then continues his story, the woman left this picture of her ex-boyfriend because without the challenges and heartbreak he put her through, she wouldn’t be the woman she is today. After they broke up, she grew so much in her ministry with God, learned more about her self-worth and was able to face challenges because the situation made her stronger. So her reasoning for keeping the picture of the kitchen table was a reminder to thank him for helping her get to the place where she was today.

Now keeping a picture on the kitchen table might be a bit extreme but the moral of the story stuck with me. When we experience a negative break up, initially we dwell on all the negatives. I also do this myself. When actually we need to focus more on what we learned from those relationships and grow from those experiences. As women, we dwell so much on the hurt and pain that man caused us, but the key is to learn and grow. We have to push through the hurt and use the pain to push us to higher heights. The key is to dwell on the lessons learned and to focus on your growth in the process.

Therefore, let’s thank our exes for helping to end that chapter so we can focus on what God has in store. Trust and believe this will not be easy but we have to stop running from our pain. We have to face our pain and allow it to push us into all we have ever wanted and needed. I’m not saying keep a picture (unless it’s one you really look bomb in) but keep those memories as they push you into a more powerful, peaceful and purposeful you!

Love Always,

– A. Rochell

“What has been your biggest love lesson you’ve learned in your life?” – As Told From Men

So I asked several young and old men, what they believed to be their biggest love lesson. Here are the results. They are rather interesting!

“Don’t get attached, too quickly. But don’t be scared to love.” – Preston, 15

“My biggest love lesson is keep chasing. The same chase that I had in the early stages is necessary for survival in the relationship. Complacency is the death of relationships so I have to keep trying and keep showing that I love the person I’m with and I still want them therefore I gotta keep chasing. Showing them the same amount of affection from day 1 to now. Without it everything kinda falls apart slowly.” – Chrispus, 21

“The biggest lesson I have learned, is that there is a difference between love and lust. When I was younger, I believed that the emotion I felt was love. Really I just luster after my partner. I wasn’t trying to spend time, or actually be involved with the other person. I was just trying to sleep with them. I feel bad for doing that. I should have tried to establish a mental and emotional relationship instead of just a physical one.” – Rainy, 24

“I learned that relationships are tools to learn about yourself and to learn about the world we live in. The end game isn’t always about having someone forever. It’s about understanding who we are in relation to everybody else.“ – David, 20

“I’ve seen many situations and been with many women with boyfriends and girlfriends so I’d have to say the lesson I’ve learned is…..don’t trust these….women that’ll fuck anything with two legs Haha” – Wilfred, 19

“Don’t let love distract you from your friends and family. At the end of the day, those people will be there for you if that relationship doesn’t work out.” -Devin, 23

“The biggest love lesson I have learn is patience. To be able to truly love someone you have to have patience. Patience in your partner changing into who you wish for them to be and patience for them when you change into who they wanna be. Then patience for love patience for what happens in your life’s together. Patience for when they are busy and you are not and really wish to talk to them. Patience is the key to a healthy and strong relationship.” -Charles, 21

“There has only been one time in my life where I have truly been in love. I never knew what it was like to be in love. I have learned what it means to love someone and loving them so much that you would do anything for them. I realized that the one love lesson that I have learned in my life is that there is a huge difference between loving someone and being in IN LOVE with someone. I have experienced it once but it didn’t last because of the situation we were in but I know I still love her. Maybe in the future we may cross paths again but I learned that in order to truly love someone you have to make sacrifices for that person and maybe sometimes go to the ends of the earth for them. For me, I am still learning to do that and I hope that through my lessons and my experiences I will be able to give just as much love to my significant other as I have gotten in the past.” – David, 22

“I feel that you should stay true to yourself. The right people will stick around, and the ones you would never expect ” Chad, 21

“The biggest lesson I’ve learned would have to be to not let my past relationships affect my level of trust for my current relationship .” – Justin, 21

“The biggest love lesson I have learned in my life would probably have to be that Love will always be a two way street. If both partners aren’t open and willing to love then it will never work out. In addition to that, even if both partners are on the same page outside influences can be the death of a relationship.” – Chris, 23

“My biggest love lesson I’ve learned for my age is that you can’t put your significant other on a pedestal. Not saying its a bad thing to think highly of your significant other and hold them at a higher standard, but we are all human. Everyone makes mistakes whether its as small as forgetting the toilet seat down or something bigger than that. If you put your significant other on a pedestal you’re setting yourself up for constant disappointment because you believe they can make no mistakes or do no wrong. And you don’t want to taint that perfect image you have of your significant other. Once you understand that no one is perfect, your relationship will go a lot smoother in my opinion. Just have to work with your significant other in order to grow into a stronger couple because you don’t want small things ruining a good relationship. ” -Philip, 20

“‘Embrace the unknown’ I realized that everything in my love life that did not go as I planned always worked out for the greater good. I have to continue to follow God purpose for my love life rather than my flesh. ” -Bryant, 21

“The biggest lesson about love that I learned is that no matter how prepared you are/think you are for the complications that come along with being in love you still will be pushed to your limits.” – Cordell, 28

“The biggest lesson I learned was to trust me heart and have faith. There’s someone out there for everyone and you’ll find that person when you lease expect it. Love yourself first before you love someone else because it’s not fair to them. Learn to be alone because once you know how to make yourself happy you won’t depend on someone else to do it for you.” -Kam, 27

I know I can definitely use some of these lessons in my own life.

What have been some of your biggest love lessons in life? Share in the comments below!

Ladies and Company