Dear In Love or Nah,

Hola #AskTheLadies, i think I am still in love with this guy, but y’know I’m unsure because we don’t talk like we used to, partly because he’s also dealing with another girl. He hasn’t put titles on either of our relationships. We had issues and I could no longer cope with his lies. I’ve told him if he wants to talk to her, he should leave me alone. The problem is he doesn’t want to . Well I didn’t give him a choice, and I left, though I was extremely upset that it couldn’t just be the 2 of us. We didn’t talk for over a month BUT he kept persisting. Calling me, texting me, facetiming me and so on. I’ve discovered that this other girl is still in the picture. I don’t understand why he wants to have me around  when he has her. I just need help figuring out whether my strong feelings for him are love? or am i attached because of the chemistry we had? -In Love or Nahh
Dear In Love or Nah,
You will always have some form of love, bond, or connection with someone that you have spent a lot of time with. However, you can’t force someone to be with you or want to talk to you. He is his own person and makes his own decisions. You were right for leaving him and not speaking to him because he was entertaining someone else. Even though it may hurt to see him with this other girl, just try to focus on yourself and moving forward in your life. I’m sure you probably gave him a lot of yourself but being stuck on him can possibly leave you to miss out on another guy, who respects, love, and adores you. Most importantly a guy that, cares about you enough not to entertain other women. You may still have love because as a woman we tend to love hard and become really emotionally attached, but you are probably not in love anymore with him.
Stay Strong,
Mion Edwards

Dear Tryna Come Clean,

Hi Ladies & Company, I met this wonderful man named William last year. He’s highly educated, God fearing, with a strong moral character. His first relationship was a long term one, and I can see why. I, on the other hand, have lied to him about my past. I was a bit of a wild girl growing up. I had a few one-night stands, a couple of sugar daddies, and a few trains run on me, but this was all done in the dark. When he asked me about my past, I was honestly very vague and told him that I was in a couple of long-term relationships. Should I come clean? or leave things as they are because our relationship is going really well. I am honestly terrified of his reaction. I am a female in my late twenties. – Tryna Come Clean.

Dear Tryna Come Clean,

First of all, I commend you for having the confidence to submit this question to us. Secondly, I think you need to really weigh the pros and cons of this relationship to make sure you both are 100% committed to each other now. If you both are, then it shouldn’t matter how colorful your past was. If it was me, I would probably not go into extreme detail about this wild past, however, I wouldn’t belittle the past either, or make it out to be something that it is not. You have a past and he should respect that. I think that if William is as good of a guy as he says and has been showing to you, he will forgive you. You don’t want to run into the problem what if he finds out or you run into someone from your past, then he could potentially be more upset about you being dishonest than the actual acts. If you are far enough removed from that part of your past life, it should be okay. I believe that you should’ve gone ahead tested for STDs, and other potential health issues. Also another thing to consider is that William probably has a past too, it might not be as “bad”, but he probably has some things in it that he wishes he could erase as well. If the relationship is strong, it shouldn’t matter. You both are together now in the present, and hopefully you will be in the future!

Keep It Classy,

T.Renae

Dear Wanting to Know,

Hola friends, I have a general question, just to get your opinions, and feedback on. How many sex partners it too many for a female? Or even a male? – Wanting to Know

Dear Wanting to Know,

At one time probably two because then it gets a little messy and then spreading diseases may occur and it’s just not a good idea in my opinion. How many is too many over a lifetime? I would say you have to use your discretion. For males and females think about what kind of person you want to be perceived as, when you feel as though you are becoming a person you don’t want to be then it’s probably a good idea to stop and reevaluate your actions.
Peace Love and Harmony,
Averi Simone

Dear Middle School Love Affair,

Hi Ladies, I met this guy in middle school and had a huge crush on him. We dated a short time and he dumped me. Years later after high school, we reconnected and dated. I thought I was going to marry this man, and have his children. We had problems and I thought we could work them out but time and time again I found myself being dumped. I feel like he still is in love with me and cares about me. And I feel the same way. It’s been over a year since we’ve broken up. What do I do? – Middle School Love Affair.

Dear Middle School Love Affair,

There is only one thing you can really do: Let it goooooo, let it gooooooo! I’m sure you have an outfit from middle school that you used to LOVE but would never in a million years wear again today! This guy is just like that Roca-wear tee or Apple Bottom jeans that you were so in love with back then. Sure he’s fond memories and I’m sure he was your first love which is sweet. But you had a different mindset in middle/high school and I would hope that your taste in men has developed just as your taste in clothes has. If you have tried the same thing with the same guy time and again and still found yourself dumped, then you are knocking on the door to an empty house honey and you’ve got to move on. Discover what else is out here in this great big world! Don’t waste your time trying to rekindle an old flame. Leave it behind, look on it fondly, build on the experience to make you a better person in your next relationship. Out with the old and in with the new.

Nothing But Love,

– Aliah

Dear What should I do,

Hi, I’ve been in a rollercoaster relationship for YEARS now. It started off so promising! As most relationships do. We both fell in love, or atleast I did, and he says he did. But then after a while, he says he just fell out of love with me. We’ve walked out of each other’s lives a few times, but always seem to manage to hold on to the physical part, not necessarily sex, but cuddling and all that good stuff. My wants never change so I don’t understand why he keep coming back. Like thinking I would be okay with just sex! What should I do? I am still very much in love with him, and every time he comes back, I literally relive the memories and times of when we were good… – What should I do?

Dear What should I do,

If he is not giving you what you want or need then I would let it go. You may have to fight to let it go, but I’d let it go. There is no reason to wait around and keep trying to make the same thing work over and over again. Odds are it will be painful to let go off the thought of you two being together. When you let him go you won’t be letting go of those feelings with him so it may hurt a little. But that is the price we pay when we fall for the wrong guy. Love is a gamble, we win some and we lose some. When we lose it hurts like crap, but when we win it’s unimaginable.

And if you let it go, let it go for good. Don’t hold on to the physical stuff, no cuddling, no sex, no constant communication. I would just cut everything off so that you can start to rebuild yourself completely separate from him and with no distractions.

Let the memories remain memories and build yourself the future that you want. Don’t dwell on the past, but build a new thing.

-Heather 🙂

Dear Best friends or more,

So hi Ladies and Company, I just graduated [from high school]. And there’s this guy and he has been my boy best friend the whole way through my senior year of high school. He was talking to my friend and having sex with her. But he didn’t want a relationship with her. She thought that she could keep him that way, you know with sex. And me and him being “best friends,” we workout together, go bike riding together, talk on the phone for hours and are always there for each other. I like him a lot but considering the fact that he was kinda with my friend, i dont know. My feelings don’t have an on and off switch. Am I wrong for wanting to be with him, since I’m pretty sure he likes me back but he’s been with my friend? – Best friends or more.

Hi sweetie,

I don’t think that your feelings are wrong, but I would not act on these feelings, for numerous reasons. The first reason is because this is your friend, your boy best friend. You don’t want to jeopardize/ruin your friendship over these feelings, that may or may not be reciprocated. The second reason is because even though they (your boy best friend and your friend) aren’t in a committed relationship, they are still engaging “activities,” which could potentially grow into a relationship (It also could not – we never know with these things). Even though he says doesn’t want to have a relationship with the friend, he’s already smashing. As a woman, and young lady you really only have two options: (1) approach your friend and tell her how you feel and ask her to back off, or (2) tell her how you feel about the best friend and tell her you want her to be happy so you are backing off.

If it was me, honestly I would pull a Frozen and just let it go. You just graduated high school, and there will be plenty more (better) fish in the sea for you!

Keep It Classy, 

T.Renae

Dear Stressed Virgin,

Hi Ladies and Co. I’m in high school (10th grade), and all my friends are not virgins… I am still a virgin. should I feel like a lame, because I still am? Should this bother me the way it does? I’m so stressed about it. – Stressed Virgin.


Dear Stressed Virgin,

Don’t let your friends indirectly pressure you to lose the most precious gift that you have. True story, I almost lost mine because I didn’t want to be seen as a lame in college. But it was a great decision to wait because I realized that there is still a significant amount of people in the world that are virgins and proud to be one. I am really glad I did not just throw my virginity away because I would most likely regret it now because I am not ready. I know that when the time is right and I decide to lose my virginity it will feel right. It shouldn’t bother you nor stress you out. When you are ready to lose it, and the time is right, you will know. But for now just focus on school, graduating, and wear your virginity badge proud!

Keep It Classy,

-T.Renae

Like a Virgin

Disclaimer: This article is not to condemn anyone’s sexual habits. It is also not intended to force my views and beliefs on others. I just want to share my thoughts and experiences on the matter.

These days, sexual freedom is being embraced more than ever. People can talk more freely about it, there is less shame associated with having sex and we’ve finally gotten over using weird terminology to disguise words related to sex. However, the idea of a virgin is laughed off, people either don’t believe in the existence or conclude the person in question must have something seriously wrong with them to have waited this long. Recently, Russel Wilson (quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks) got very real about how in his relationship with gorgeous pop star Ciara, they have decided to abstain from sex. He stated beautifully ““Yeah, we’re talking about sex… Can we love each other without [sex]? If you can really love someone without [sex] then you can really love somebody… I ain’t gonna lie to y’all now. I need y’all to pray for us…Pray for me, keep my mind clear, keep my heart clear.” The backlash and jokes didn’t surprise me, but they started to make me feel like I had some things to share because I am still a virgin and also abstain from sex.

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I can honestly say that I have no problems or objects with the trend of sexual freedom that we see today. Just because I’m saving my first time until my wedding night doesn’t mean that I look down my nose at the sexual habits of others or condemn my friends to hell. Personally, I think that with sexual freedom and people caring less about who’s doing what with whom for whatever reasons, we can get rid of all of the terrible slut-shaming and bullying that has plagued girls for years. If you wish to have sex, do it freely, (but also do it smartly). But the same way girls are demanding to be respected for their sexual choices, I would like to be respected for my choices to abstain from sex. As a virgin in 2015, people often speculate about what I am, or am not doing, because they just see it as “impossible” that I choose to ignore and control my responses to my hormones loud demands. I don’t appreciate being stripped down to a simple sexual being. I enjoy practicing self-control in my relationships, and I feel that what I do with my private lady parts should be not for anyone’s’ discussion or speculation. Being targeted for jokes or made uncomfortable because of my virginity has been a part of my life since reaching puberty and frankly I’m sick of it. Sexual freedom should apply to all: the virgins and the veterans.

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Temptations

Now, I do have a boyfriend who is also a virgin and has promised to save himself for marriage as well. And what’s it like for us to stay pure? Temptations are wild and very real. And temptation coupled with curiosity and hormones make it a daily struggle to keep our hands where they belong. But, I truly believe that it will be rewarding. The bond that we have formed completely transcends sexual attraction. Every time we work together to help ourselves resist temptation and spend yet another night simply in each other’s arms talking about life, it’s like reaching a new level in our relationship. And it feels amazing. I think being open with each other, expressing our expectations clearly communicating limitations are what keeps us grounded and sticking to our promise.

Pussy Power

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To be honest, I’m happy to have reached a place where I can care less about what people think of my sexual habits (or lack thereof lol). There’s honestly nothing you can do or say to convince me that I NEED to have sex without a diamond ring on my finger and the commitment of a lifetime with my husband. While being a virgin may be looked down upon, or you may not even believe that I chose to remain pure, I am happy for the decisions I make. I see my virginity as something that shouldn’t be “given away” but instead, something that should be shared in the most special way possible. There’s no rush to “get rid of” my virginity because, to me, it’s not some curse I was burdened with. It’s a gift and a special power that I hold within me. Just think of the “pussy power” (excuse the language) that women hold. Whole wars were fought over pussy, so to speak; so don’t ever let someone convince you that you “owe” your virginity to them. No matter how much time or money someone spends on you, it does not require you to return with a sexual favor. As cliché as it sounds, the right person for you, who will treasure and value the gift of your virginity, will not be solely interested in you for your body and will not use sex as a bartering tool.

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This part is written to the virgins that may or may not still be out there reading this, or to those who have decided to become celibate (saving sex until marriage although you may have already lost your virginity). The best way to combat the temptations, gossip, questions, teasing and other challenges that come along is to remember exactly why you’re doing what you’re doing, because in a moment of heat, all logical thinking and reasoning can fly out of the window. If you have to, write down your reasoning, expectations and stipulations in a place where you could easily find or look often. When the temptations, gossip, teasing, questions and other challenges come, you will be able to read the notes that you wrote to yourself and maybe renew your strengths. Like most other things in life, you’re the only one who can decide what is right for you. So if you’re deciding to not have sex, then stand firm in your decision.

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– Aliah W. 

What are your standards?

“She’s not stuck up, you’re just stuck down on a level she’s unable to stoop to. Step up or step out and make way for a real gentleman.” – @bereolaesque from the book Gentlewoman

I am soooo tired of hearing young men tell me that my standards are too high. Maybe your self-worth needs to be a little higher. Since when is having high standards frowned upon? It was probably around the time girls starting giving out their goodies, for little to nothing, but that’s another topic, for another time.

I think every young woman should have standards. Standards make you extremely smart. You should not, and do not have to settle for any man out there. What would it look like if you just out there with the first guy that passed you by, no. I understand you don’t want to seem picky, but you should not have to settle! Point Blank. Do not lower you standards for any one or apologize for them. If he is telling you that they are to high, he is not worth you time.

I will caution you not to have unobtainable standards, that you cannot even offer yourself. What I mean is, you cannot expect a man to have a job and his own place, if you don’t even have that.

While, nobody is perfect, but give credit to those who are trying. If your guy is genuinely trying to be the man that follows your standards, and is extremely close to your standards, go for it!

I truly believe that if you refuse to settle for less than you know you deserve, you will come across the person who you are meant to be with.

So I decided to share some of my “standards,”

1) Communication. This is a huge thing for me, especially because I love to talk. I believe that you both must be good listeners and communicate clearly. With that being said, men and women communicate differently. Women tend to tell all the details, while men communication is straight to the point.

1.5) Texting is NOT a relationship. I know we are all in the generation of texting and instant gratification, but if all you and your guy do is text, you’re not in a relationship. Real Men make phone calls, want to hear their woman’s voice. If you ask me on a date via text message, I will kindly decline and say “While you are lazily texting me, there is another guy TALKING to me, and will take me on a real date.” I never understood why guys (and girls for allowing this to go on for so long.) think its okay to just send a text “come thru,” that’s not even a sentence!

2) Dates. If we are not going on dates, we are not dating. Simple enough.

3) Passion. He has to be passionate about something in his life. His only interests cannot be you. That makes for a very boring person. I believe each person should have their own lives, and they should come together like a Venn diagram.

4) Beliefs. He has to believe in something. For me, he has to believe in God and working towards a better relationship with him.

5) Respect. His body (hygiene, STD free), his parents, me, people around him, etc. This is pretty self explanatory.

At the end of the day, know your worth. And make sure your standards great. 

Keep it classy ladies,

-T.Renae